While driving through Santa Monica last weekend, we couldn’t help but notice there was a large number of homeless people inhabiting the street corners there. Some would stand at busy intersections holding signs that said “Help, Need Money”. We saw many homeless people all throughout LA but none so much as in Santa Monica. There were even scores of homeless holding “gimme money” signs on the Promenade. Therefore I have made an executive decision. I am going to move to Santa Monica and stand on a street corner with my own cardboard sign that says “Help, Need Pancreas”. If the public outpouring is anything like what I saw with the homeless people, then I should have a new pancreas within the first 15 minutes. Silly me, why didn’t I think of this before? With all of the celebrities there who say they want to help mankind, well they can just pony up and give me a pancreas damn it. Put your money where your pancreas is!
I guess you could take from the above ranting that my appointment with the worlds leading pancreas specialist did not go well. Actually it did go well, I just didn’t want to hear that my pancreas is a shriveled up, diseased and useless organ. Dr. Lehman gave me 5 options for a course of treatment. He spent 45 minutes with me discussing the ins and outs of each of those options. One option was basically going to my pancreas with a scope (via the throat) and shooting a needle full of numbing medicine in a nerve behind my pancreas. This is called a EUS Block and would give me pain relief for approximately 2 months, and no I didn’t choose that option. Another popular option was giving my pancreas a vacation for 6 months to a year and getting a feeding tube in my stomach. I looked at Dr. Lehman in horror and exclaimed “but you don’t understand, I’m a good cook!” He gave a little chuckle at that one. And another option is removing the pancreas altogether since it is useless to me and causing me pain. I didn’t choose that option either. The option I did choose is short term at best and involves medicine changes and small portions of bland food. Dr. Lehman told me that somewhere down the road I would have to have my pancreas removed anyway, but why not wait in hopes of finding a pancreas to replace it with. Sounds good to me. Meanwhile I am stocking up on oatmeal and baking potatoes, with an occasional trip to Skyline Chili. I never said I was an angel. But if I were, I'm pretty sure they eat Skyline Chili too.