Have you ever known in your heart that you should do something one way but in your mind you justify it so you can do it the other way? I have that inner turmoil going on right now. At 3:00am this morning as I sat curled up in a ball on the sofa, tears streaming down my face from the pain of my near dead pancreas fighting my internal organs one last time, I knew in my heart of hearts that I needed to go to the hospital. But my head overrode the pain and said “It’s freezing outside, why leave your cozy living room? The only thing they can do at the hospital for pancreatitis is put you on IV’s and load you up with morphine and Demerol. You can take morphine at home without having to go out in the cold.” So I stayed at home and toughed it out. It’s not the first time I have done this and it probably won’t be the last time.
I make deals with myself. I tell myself that if my pain is as intense in 20 minutes as it is now I will go to the hospital. 20 minutes later my pain is just as intense but I make more deals with myself. My mind plays games with itself trying to find any way possible to get out of going to the dreaded hospital. One of these days I am going to run out of excuses.
But for the meantime, here I sit, huddled in pain. If you don’t see me post on here for several days or weeks, you’ll know I ran out of excuses and went to the hospital. But for now I have a few more deals to make with myself. I feel like the Monty Hall of pancreatitis - Lets make a deal, come on down.