How would you like to live across the street from Jack Black? You know that crazy gleam in his eye that promises mischief and mayhem will soon follow? Wouldn’t that scare you if he was your neighbor? Well I am scared, because Jack Black moved into the house across the street Saturday.
I am ready to kill that landlord. We bought our house eleven years ago. In that eleven years we have seen many people come and go in the house across the street. It is the only rental house on our street. There seems to be a theme of good tenant, then a bad tenant, then a good tenant, etc that goes on with that landlords rental policies. The last neighbors were good tenants so we have been geared for bad tenants to move it. When we looked out the window Saturday morning and saw the two young men moving in mountains of stereo equipment we knew we were screwed. Damn that landlord!
The two guys that moved in are smart though, very smart. They came over yesterday afternoon and introduced themselves. By the time they left I was feeling so charitable towards them that I wanted to bake them a cake or some shit like that. Sneaky on their part, very sneaky to make me like them. They stayed for close to an hour chatting. The one that looks like Jack Black (an identical twin I tell you!) showed me his various scars such as the scar on his shoulder where he had a metal plate put in after his shoulder was crushed in a car accident. Both boys showed me pictures of their babies. The tall dude has a seventeen month old son and the short, chunky Jack Black looking dude has an eight month old son and apparently a seven year old daughter that lives in Michigan. I say that about the daughter because he wasn’t going to tell me about her, but amid nudging and winks his roommate briefly mentioned her but Jack Black told me that he doesn’t see her because of a certain evil witch. Hmmm…. The plot thickens.
I decided to lay a little ground work and let them know the sort of behavior we wanted in a neighbor, and I put all the blame on the self proclaimed faith healer. I asked if they had met her. They had not. I briefly explained that she fancies herself to be a faith healer and her husband a prophet. I warned them that she has often made the statement that if she sees you outside you are fair game to be prayed over. I saw a hint of fear in Jack Blacks eyes presumably as he thought about his many scars that needed healing. Then I told the fib. Well, maybe it wasn’t too much of a fib because it did happen…once. I told them to beware of having any parties because the faith healer would call the cops on them at the lightest sound. Then I fibbed again and lumped myself in with the unfortunate party hosts and said we had all felt the sting of her penchant for calling the cops on parties. I hope I put the fear of God in them, or at least the fear of the faith healer.